Listening, Not Hearing

“One of the most beautiful experiences as a human being is to be seen, heard, and understood”

When we think about communication skills, we focus on communicating our own message effectively. That’s only one part of the equation.

Communication is not one-way. If we want to be effective communicators, we must be effective listeners. Active listening is a powerful tool to be the best listener you can be.

Let’s face it, we attorneys love the sound of our own voices. We pride ourselves on being persuasive. But when we are engaged in a conversation, especially a heated one, we tend to be crafting our brilliant responses rather than actually listening to what the other person has to say.

When we are doing that, we set ourselves up to hear what we want to hear, rather than what the other person is actually communicating. We lose the possibility of achieving consensus because we are focused on “winning” the conversation. To be fair, it’s our job to do that.

However, this may work in the courtroom, but 99% of our conversations are not adversarial. Yet, we make it seem so to those conversing with us.

How to develop a mindset of active listening

I think one of the most beautiful experiences as a human being is to be seen, heard, and understood by another person. Truly listening to another person is a generous gift that will be remembered...and make it more likely that you will receive in return.

So how can you coach yourself to really listen properly?

- Drop any distractions. We cannot multitask. When you are listening to someone, put your phone down, turn the TV off, and give that person your undivided attention.

- Listen to the other person with an open presence. Be mindful of your body language. Are you making a face? Are your arms folded across your chest? Are you making eye contact?

- Relax the muscles in your face. In fact, relax any obvious areas of tension in your body. Rest your hands in a position that communicates an openness to communication rather than self-protection or aggression. And make eye contact.

- Avoid planning your response to what they are saying. Be willing to learn and take on new information.

- Do not interrupt the other person. If you find yourself getting reactive and wishing to speak before the other person has finished, take some deep breaths. If you are triggered, you may need to take a break and come back to the conversation once you have been able to process your emotions.

- Before you respond, try asking open-ended, clarifying questions.

- Finally, try looping back what the other person has said. This is an extremely effective technique used by mediators and marriage counselors alike. Looping means to restate what the other person has said in your own words to find out if you understood them correctly.

Don’t assume you understood them. We operate on a very narrow shared perception of reality. Here’s an example - “am I correct in understanding?” (paraphrase what they have said in a neutral tone). You can also rephrase and then add “Is that correct?” or “did I get that right?”

Demonstrate that if your understanding is not correct, you are willing to listen more. You want to make sure that you are actually on the same page before you respond.

If you use these coaching techniques and develop a mindset of active listening you will be giving the ultimate respect to another person - truly hearing them, as well as listening.