No Attorney is an Island

One of the things I hear most often from my coaching clients is “how are you reading my mind?” When I talk about my struggles with procrastination, scrolling, overeating and over-drinking, I’m able to connect with people who experience many of the same things. 

But I am not a mindreader. I am simply a human being who has been there. I know the struggles and my liberation has come from talking about it. And so many of us suffer in silence believing falsely that we are all alone, that no one understands us, or that no one is going through what we are going through. 

All human beings want to feel safe and connected. Feelings of isolation can be extremely detrimental to our well being. Comparison and competition keep us feeling isolated and contribute to a lack of belonging.

We often experience this because we are comparing ourselves to what others show the world on social media or what clothes they wear, what cares they drive. We see the expensive bags and flashy car, but we don’t see the inner turmoil caused by a failed relationship or the death of a relative.

Most of us are caught up in a desire to be better than others. We are constantly comparing ourselves and any vulnerability can be viewed by ourselves as weakness or failure.

We don’t even realize how connected and related we all are because we have been conditioned to refrain from being vulnerable. 

I choose to be very open because I believe that it helps other people feel less isolated. It’s easy to feel that no one understands our struggles, especially when rugged individualism is so valued in our society. And our profession is fertile ground for sowing comparison and competition. 

We need to understand ourselves

One of the reasons why we feel misunderstood or isolated is because we don’t understand our thoughts and feelings. We often feel that we are at the wrong end of circumstances and situations. We get trapped in blaming and our roles feel like we are victims rather than survivors. Blame and victimhood separate us from others. 

We have seen increased in-group thinking and tribalism spread over the last decade as almost a workaround for being genuinely connected and engaged. Social media has fueled our ability to pick sides and confirmation bias causes us to reject viewpoints that don’t comport with our own.

Yet all human beings ultimately want the same thing. To be happy and safe. Whether we accept it or not, we are all interconnected. Separateness is merely an illusion. 

But how can we cultivate a sense of belonging in an adversarial profession and within a deeply divided nation? 

Well, getting to know your own mind is the first step to achieving a sense of belonging. We have to recognize the thoughts, feelings, and actions that keep us isolated or disconnected with others. 

First, we have to recognize that the drive to compete and compare is internalized from birth and these drives are systemic. There is nothing inherently wrong with competition and comparison. This can be excellent motivation,  innovation and help us to be at  our best. But when we view competition and comparison from the lens of separateness and domination, it becomes toxic and it creates a sense of not belonging. 

Silencing self doubt 

Most of us have an inner critic. That voice that tells us that we are doing something wrong. Sometimes it tells us we are wrong. Think about how your childhood inner critic helped you learn how to behave and learn right from wrong. 

It was the inner voice that guided you when your parents were not around. Eventually inner critics outlast their usefulness and don’t support our quest for belonging. Our inner critics usually become so critical that they beat us up. This negative self-talk creates inadequacy, low self-worth, and shame.

Our drive to compare and compete is intrinsically entwined with lawyering...from law school. At my law school, we had a forced curve, which meant only 10% of our class would be eligible for an A. We also had 10% who had to get a C. This drove fierce competition for grades. People went so far as to rip case law from the books for our legal writing and research class to prevent others from using it. It was nuts. 

Then we had competition for summer jobs and first year jobs. It was cutthroat. I imagine it’s gotten even worse now that the legal market is very much saturated. The job competition is exacerbated by the fact that many law school grads have hundreds of thousands of dollars in student loan debt. Once you get your foot in the door, you’re competing for partnerships, bonuses, case assignments, etc. 

Those of us who own our own practices can get wrapped up in our desire to compete for clients.

Lawsuits by their very nature are adversarial and competitive. There is a winner and a loser. Mediation and arbitration are gaining footholds, but they still are highly adversarial proceedings. 

But what we don’t do is recognize that every single person caught up in this comparison/competition trap is experiencing the exact same thing. We belong. 

Finding a balance 

So how do we maintain our drive for legal excellence and being zealous advocates for our clients? We have to recognize when the drive for competition and comparison becomes toxic. We can keep it in check by recognizing that we cannot allow our self-worth to get tied up with outcomes or perceptions. 

We can detach from being pulled into drama by noting that everything...and I do mean everything is impersonal, imperfect, and impermanent. This means that we do not have to take anything personally. 

When someone, especially opposing counsel, is nasty or rude. You do not have to take the bait. It’s about them and their own inadequacy. Their own competition and comparison cycle. When you can have compassion for how they are caught up in it, it can help you to not get caught up in it. Why would you want to do that? Because getting caught gets you stuck. It doesn’t serve you. 

You will not perform perfectly. Ever. No case will go perfectly. Perfection is unattainable. You can be excellent without perfection. Let yourself be imperfect. Your inner critic will say all kinds of terrible things to you for every mistake. But you do not have to believe it. You shouldn’t believe it. 

Everything is temporary. Every thought, feeling, circumstance...it’s all fleeting. You can allow yourself to replay old stories to hold on to blame and victimhood, but how does that serve you? When you can let yourself let go and move on, you can bask in empowerment. You can be the dignified, unbothered advocate. 

Finally, the best way to overcome feelings of isolation or not belonging is to talk about it. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. The more you open up, you can be a beacon for others. This has been the number one reason why I started coaching. I am not afraid to talk about the wounded spots. The hurt. The stress. I want all of us to recognize that our experiences are normal. 

We weren’t taught about our feelings in school. We weren’t taught how to manage our time, our minds or our emotions. We were taught how to compete and compare. How to vie for status. It doesn’t have to be that way.

You belong. I am just like you.